Day 2 -- The Media War Heats Up

Hello, both of you, my devoted readers. Already we have taken flak from no-one in the mainstream media. As you can well imagine, this rankles, perturbs, and outright makes us uncomfortable here at our (my) "newsdesk" -- cleverly concealed as a public computer terminal at the Walled Lake Public Library. What to do? Dissect and then disavow! On to it, then!

HEADLINE NUMBER ONE! (CNN today)

"Hulk Hogan's ex still dating 'kid'"

My, my! Sex sells, sex with young people shocks and then sells, and sex with famous and young people, well -- off the charts, no?! But what do we really think?

"'Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again" (Lyrics from some song by a band named Copeland)

I think you see what we're getting at here. Next up!

HEADLINE NUMBER TWO!! (msnbc this time)

"State Attorney Fired After Stripper Incident"

He's an attorney, maybe he can "Get himself off"! Get it!! Double entendre, no extra charge!

But what does our wise Editorial Dept. really believe?

This house will bear witness to his piety; this town, his birthplace, to his munificence; history to his patriotism; posterity to the depth and compass of his mind.

• Epitaph for John Adams (1829), inscribed on one of the portals of the United First Parish Church Unitarian (Church of the Presidents), Quincy

Indeed, sirs! Well, we're ready for our last of the day. "Let 'em have it!" he said, famously (yahoo, now):

"Oldest Object Ever Seen in Universe"

No, not Joan Rivers. Our Ed. staff (me) knows, though, what you should think!:

That fatal day for England, the sad destruction of our dear country [dulcis patrie].

• On the Battle of Hastings. (M. T. Clanchy, England and Its Rulers: 1066-1272 (Blackwell, 1998), p. 24.) (William Somebody-With-an-M)

Well now that made no sense at all -- unless you dig deeper, and realize that it makes perfect no-sense.

That's it for today, loyal reader or two! Please do return tomorrow, as we (I) try to to protect our (my) little free enterprise from the yawning maw of the all-consuming standard media machine -- and we (I) do emphasize, "Yawning." Also tomorrow: New lines separating the headlines concept! Way coolio!

Welcome to Day 1 of the Zero Employee News Project!

Good day to YOU, sir! But not you, ma'am. But maybe you, you over there with the huge set of...

Good day! In the spirit of newspapers today to union bust, downsize, and in general treat their employees like, well, yesterday's news, we (I) here at the old ZEN-P, as we'll (I'll) agree to catchily call it, present to you, the blog reader... drum roll, please... hello? Drum roll, PLEASE? Hey! Where are all the... oh. Oh, yessss. Heh, heh. No other employee here, right. Yes. Well! A glitch, we'll (I'll) agree to call that! To be expected, first day of publication, no? (By the way, that word -- "publication" -- and few people know this, really -- is actually pronouced, "pyoob-lick-ass-chum." No, really.)

ANYWAY! What this is is a project where we (I), the publisher (pyoob-lick-er) scan web giants like yahoo, aol, CNN, etc. for news headlines, and then "comment(s) on them" for the benefit of the reader (all of you, once there are any of you) using pithy quotes stolen from Wikipedia's "Wikiquote," and other random quoty places. All of this, yes, bravely, without the endorsement, knowledge, or even give-a-shitty-ness of any of these aforementioned webby titans! These quotes, so random in their nature as to be unnaturally random, will undoubtedly appear to the novitiate blog-noggin as mere nonsequitora, in other words they will make no sense; they will fail to enlighten the reader beyond the merest ephemera of a chuckle. Not to worry! We'll (I'll) keep doing it from time to time in direct spite of this uselessness to society.

Ready then! All right!! Drum ro-o-o-o-oh, that's right, never mind.

HEADLINE NUMBER ONE! (All headlines should "scream," don't you think? Us [me] too!)

"Somali pirates warn Britain about rescuing couple" (yahoo)

Our response?:

• I don't support such actions or see this as the solution, but I can very well understand how suicide bombings became a very popular way of fighting - first, because it is quite successful; secondly, because people are ready to risk everything in order to achieve some progress in the national struggle. (Lea Tsemel)

Not so far off the mark really, eh? Remember, we have no real employees, so go gentle.

HEADLINE NUMBER TWO!

"Man's "God" pin sparks debate" (yahoo again)

A little old time religion, eh? So, what do WE (I) think?:

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. (Henry Hill)

Brilliant! Couldn't have said it better, could we (I)? No, I don't believe we (I) could have. Jolly good! Well, let's have one last -- don't want to overstay our welcome yet, become a "Clingy Clancy," hmm?

HEADLINE NUMBER THREE!

"Busy secretary costs PepsiCo $1.26 billion" (yes, you guessed it, I'm lazy, it's yahoo again)

Oh, dear God, no! Not that! But what do we (I) really think?

-- Holy, Holy, Holy shit. (The singer for the band Story of the Year, Dan Dean Marsala or something like that. Get used to this, btw; we don't employ a fact checker, so a lot of this shit might just be plain wrong)

Not so bad after all, wot? Other than, I'm not certain why, when I copy and then paste the quotes over, one quote centers in the middle, the next doesn't, and the third doesn't even create the little "bullet" in front of itself... Mysteries, mysteries! Who doesn't like them?! All right then. Check back tomorrow for another grim yet loquacious installment of... the ZEN-P!

"Good night, and Goddamn!"